The Elephant in the Room

When there’s an elephant in the room, we tend to carry on as though the elephant doesn’t exist.  We walk with him. We walk around him.  We make adjustments to accommodate him.  Often we never bother to do anything about him when he stands in the way of reaching our goals, dreams, and aspirations.

The elephant in the room is our addiction.  The list is long.  The website, Healthy Place, provides extensive articles on all addictions, from alcoholism and drug addictions to gaming disorders, and yes, even shopping.  The website’s purpose is to help us learn about addiction symptoms, causes, treatments and the struggles of living with an addiction.

The conversation is a tough one.  “What stops you from doing what you want to do?”  Often the reasons are anything but the real problem. People don’t realize the hold that the addictions have on them and the money it sucks from their bank accounts.   Their joy has been stolen.  The fun of living has vanished. Where’s the hope?  Let’s find out.

Asking for help is not a weakness. In actuality, it is a sign of strength and courage to want to improve your situation.  Seeing your money wasted on far lesser things than you would like may be a turning point. This is when progress can be made.   

If you think your life can’t change, then you are encouraged to read Johnnetta McSwain’s story in her book, Rising Above the Scars.  She had a traumatic childhood.  She dropped out of high school in eleventh grade and lived on the streets.  After years of barely getting by, she woke up on her thirtieth birthday, looked in the mirror, and didn’t like what she saw.  She writes,

“That day I woke up and realized I had absolutely nothing to celebrate–no money, no full-time job, no home, no husband, and no clue, not even the will to do better.  At last I knew it was time to make some changes.”

Her first step was to obtain her GED.  From there, she had a burning desire to go to college.  She attributed her success to her positive outlook.  “I realized I didn’t have to be smart,” Johnnetta explains, “I just had to be determined, motivated, and focused.  This came with a high price tag for me.  I had to exchange my thinking.  I had to think like a smart person.” And she did.  What about you? 

Living pay cheque to pay cheque because of an addiction or resorting to other means to support an addiction needs to end.  The elephant in your home needs to be acknowledged and talked about…

I first heard about Johnnetta’s story in John C. Maxwell’s book, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth.  In his book, a specific chapter is written about the Law of the Mirror, which reflects on the value you must see in yourself before you can add value to yourself.  The whole principle about change rests on our shoulders.  We must have the desire to want to change.  No one can make us change against our will.   If addictions stop us from reaching our potential, then this is the very reason we should latch onto someone who will inspire us to seek help.

Johnnetta was motivated by a profound thought:  “I get a chance to be anyone I want to be.” And she discovered a way.  

Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, offers this solution, “When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him.”

Do you have encouragement to share with others?  Please feel free to provide your perspective in the comment section below.

Deliberate Thinking

Many times I agonize over 'what to write'.  The reason is one of the steps in writing the perfect blog is to determine your audience.  In the financial planning world the conversation could go in a hundred different directions.  If the truth be known, I either precisely hit or completely miss the mark.  Everyone's needs are different at different stages in their lives.

Nevertheless, the one thing I am certain about is that we all “think”.  It’s our thinking which shapes our days, the days we call the future.  We think about…

•       Our profession or business.  What kind of work will we do in our lifetime?
•       Our finances.  Depending on our income, how much can we afford to pay?
•       Our goals.  If we decide to do something, how will we achieve these goals?
•       Our ideal life partner.  What kind of person is the perfect match for us?

The straight-forward question is:  “How much thought do we devote to thinking? “  In John C. Maxwell’s book, Today Matters (2004), he writes:

I believe that many people take thinking for granted.  They see it as a natural function of life. But the truth is that intentional thinking isn’t commonplace. What you do every day in the area of thinking really matters because it sets the stage for all your actions, and it will bring you either adversity or advantage.

According to Mr. Maxwell there are actually eleven different thinking skills when it comes to good thinking. Who knew?  To give you a sense of the skills, here’s an overview:

1. Big Picture Thinking:  the ability to think beyond yourself and your world in order to process ideas with a holistic perspective.
2. Focused Thinking:  the ability to think with clarity on issues by removing distractions and mental clutter from your mind.
3. Creative Thinking: the ability to break out of your “box” of limitations and explore ideas and options to experience a breakthrough.
4. Realistic Thinking: the ability to build a solid foundation on facts to think with certainty.
5. Strategic Thinking: the ability to implement plans that give direction for today and increase your potential for tomorrow.
6. Possibility Thinking: the ability to unleash your enthusiasm and hope to find solutions for even seemingly impossible situations.
7. Reflective Thinking:  the ability to revisit the past in order to gain a true perspective and think with understanding.
8. Questioning Popular Thinking: the ability to reject the limitations of common thinking and accomplish uncommon results.
9. Shared Thinking: the ability to include the heads of others to help you think “over your head” and achieve compounding results.
10. Unselfish Thinking: the ability to consider others and their journey to think with collaboration.
11. Bottom-Line Thinking: the ability to focus on results and maximum return to reap the full potential of your thinking.

This tidbit of information may have piqued your interest.  This curiosity may trump your need to know why this is important.  Much to your surprise, as the title of the book implies, when you change your thoughts, you change your life.  Mr. Maxwell’s follow-up book, How Successful People Think (2009), dedicates a chapter specifically to each thinking skill.  These eleven thinking skills also appear in detail in his other book, Thinking for a Change (2003). 

Believing we will master all of these skills is a fallacy.  However, understanding these skills enables you to determine your strengths in each area on a scale of 1 to 10. Previously, I asked the question, Are Negative Thoughts About Money Holding You Back?  Now I am asking you to consider how you think simply because I honestly believe we don’t give this much thought. 

The danger lies in the consequences of our rushed decisions. When we don’t take the time to adequately think our way through our thoughts and ideas, we experience conflicts with ourselves and others.  I can think of an instance when someone recently shared, “I wish I hadn’t bought that new truck.  My budget is stretched with the new payment.”   Any kind of impulsive no-thought purchases cause people stress more than they would like to admit.  Mr. Maxwell’s book, How Successful People Think, changes our perspective about thinking.   When we take the time to think through our thoughts, like he encourages, we have a greater sense of control over the outcome of our decisions.  

I love the mental projections in my mind when I think about the strategy.  I see “clarity” as we concentrate, map out the details with pen and paper in hand, and weigh the pros and cons of our decisions.   It’s much like the feeling I have when I decide what I will say in my blog posts.  

I distinctly remember Mr. Maxwell’s lesson about our thoughts either requiring a runway or launch pad.  When our thoughts are so small we don’t need a runway to fly them, a launch pad will do.  So how big are our ideas?  Are our thoughts like a Boeing 747 in need of a long runway or a helicopter in need of a small launch pad?  I wish I could say all my thoughts and ideas were great “runway” thoughts.

I have made some good decisions but I also made some poor ones, like my idea for a U-Pick Raspberry Farm.  The U-Pick idea turned into an I-Pick because people were interested in purchasing berries, not picking them. Intense labour problems compounded with flood issues resulted in downsizing.  The small business venture existed for a number of years but in reality never soared.   This serves as an example of my launch pad idea.

Taking time to think and create a business plan (even if the plan is designed for your personal growth) is extremely important. We are so geared up in “go-mode” that we often don’t consider where we are going.  The consequence of this kind of drive creates regrets especially when money is involved.

The vision of purchasing a cabin or acreage can serve as an example. With dreamy eyes, we think, “Wouldn’t it be nice to look out the front window onto the lake.”  “Wouldn’t it be nice to hear only the birds and not the traffic sounds if we lived on an acreage?” Often our dreamy state gets us into financial hot water. “Big Picture” or “Realistic” Thinking helps work out the details of our dreams. 

Mr. Maxwell has been my mentor through his books and monthly mentoring lessons; he certainly has shaped my thoughts.  His inspiration and teaching offer encouragement to all his readers and listeners.  I recommend taking hold of his information and applying it to our lives.  Listening to our thoughts is like formulating lifetime goals. If we don’t allow ourselves time to think then how will we know what we should be doing with our time, wealth, talents, and abilities?  In the end, thinking benefits us by offering us a chance at a changed life. 

Literally taking a page from Mr. Maxwell’s book, How Successful People Think, is the best way to end this blog post.  “One Final Thought” is the section of his book where he shares inspired thoughts based on quotes from renowned people.

1.  Everything begins with a thought.

“Life consists of what a man is thinking about all day.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

2. What we think determines who we are.  Who we are determines what we do.

“The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.” – John Locke.

3. Our thoughts determine our destiny.  Our destiny determines our legacy.

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you.  You will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” – James Allen.

4. People who go to the top think differently than others.

“Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; Nothing expands possibilities like unleashed thinking.” – William Arthur Ward.

5. We can change the way we think. 

“Whatever things are true… noble… just… pure… lovely… are of good report.  If there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy; think on these things.” – Paul the Apostle.

Always Room for Improvement

"We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill

 

Imagine an ideal world where everyone cooperates and lives in perfect harmony.

I sense a long pause.  This dream seems impossible, doesn’t it?   Our self-centered egos are the problem. We allow our ideals to interfere without giving any thought to others’ ideals.  As self-seeking and goal-achieving individuals, we need to stop for one minute to evaluate what is important in our lives.  We need to take stock of our inventory, the people involved in our lives and businesses.  Winston Churchill’s quote shifts our paradigm to see the reality.  We may be profitable in the business sense but are we profitable in our relationships?

Strong, deep-meaningful relationships are desired by everyone; however, attaining that depth requires mutual work and commitment between us. People are emotional beings seeking love and respect.  Relationships don’t just happen. A quick method for the ideal relationship only magically appears in fiction books.  

For the most part, our willingness to cooperate may occur only when situations are in our favor on our terms.  Our reluctance to compromise can stir up embedded emotions and resentments which are counteractive to building sound relationships.   We are quick to point fingers at the perceived flaws of others.  They are stubborn, easily angered, and manipulative but we fail to look closely at our own flaws.  We assume we are right in our thinking.  What we may think is our greatest strength might very well be seen as our greatest weakness by others.  I could be the most goal-focused determined individual but taken to an extreme, I can be seen as very controlling.

 

That’s why John C. Maxwell’s book, Winning with People, is so helpful.  His teaching based on twenty-five principles helps to examine our motives in five different areas:

q The Readiness Question: Are We Prepared for Relationships?

q The Connection Question:  Are We Willing to Focus on Others?

q The Trust Question:  Can We Build Mutual Trust?

q The Investment Question:  Are We Willing to Invest in Others?

q The Synergy Question:  Can We Create A Win-Win Relationship?

I think you would agree that our desire and attempts to “fix” others never works in our favor. Study after study, quote after quote, says we must first “focus and fix” ourselves.   Whether we are dealing with our own perception of any given situation, our attitude towards another person, or our own action and reaction, looking at our behavior provides us with beneficial insight for growth and change.

Let’s learn how by taking a peek at one of John’s principles, The Hammer Principle. This one got my attention. John writes, “Never Use a Hammer to Swat a Fly Off Someone’s Head.”

John’s willingness to share his inappropriate approach to dealing with conflict early in his marriage helps us learn from him and reflect on our own behavior.  He claimed he always made sure he won every argument with his wife, Margaret, until Margaret finally sat him down, shared her feelings and explained what his approach was doing to their relationship.    

John wrote: 

From that day I decided to change. Realizing that having the right attitude was more important than having the right answers, I softened my approach, listened more, and stopped making a big deal out of little things.  In time, the wall that had begun to form came down, and we began building bridges.  And since that time, I’ve made a conscious effort to initiate connection anytime I’m in conflict with someone I care about.

Our words have the ability to either build people up or to tear them down.  You can see the effects a hammer can have on any relationship.  If you see the other person or the situation as the nail, you will use a hammer to strike a solution.  A hammer approach is harsh and domineering, an inappropriate method to build a relationship.  The choice is ours to evaluate our preferred approach:  one which creates a peaceful harmonious conversation or a hostile one. 

The best part about the book, Winning with People, is that we are not left stranded.  John is quick to share the principles, point out the problems, provide plausible solutions, and offer self-assessment questions.  In this chapter on the Hammer Principle, he delivers six different approaches to trading in your hammer for a velvet glove. His wisdom is a gift we can give to ourselves and our loved ones.

If your family business is having various challenges, you can choose to discuss one principle at your weekly business meetings until all twenty-five principles have been reviewed.  Once you have gone through the book, you can repeat the process. Because new situations keep occurring, reading, sharing and discussing allows the principles to become part of your everyday interaction with others.  The principles help us learn from our mistakes, utilize the ongoing training with everyday challenges, and develop stronger family relationships.    

If you are constantly confronting people and facing strong resistance, Winning with People provides insightful knowledge and skills to create the change in us and in our relationships with others. When we make a conscious effort to improve our relationships with family and friends, then we make a life by what we give as Winston Churchill so wisely proclaimed.