The Elephant in the Room

When there’s an elephant in the room, we tend to carry on as though the elephant doesn’t exist.  We walk with him. We walk around him.  We make adjustments to accommodate him.  Often we never bother to do anything about him when he stands in the way of reaching our goals, dreams, and aspirations.

The elephant in the room is our addiction.  The list is long.  The website, Healthy Place, provides extensive articles on all addictions, from alcoholism and drug addictions to gaming disorders, and yes, even shopping.  The website’s purpose is to help us learn about addiction symptoms, causes, treatments and the struggles of living with an addiction.

The conversation is a tough one.  “What stops you from doing what you want to do?”  Often the reasons are anything but the real problem. People don’t realize the hold that the addictions have on them and the money it sucks from their bank accounts.   Their joy has been stolen.  The fun of living has vanished. Where’s the hope?  Let’s find out.

Asking for help is not a weakness. In actuality, it is a sign of strength and courage to want to improve your situation.  Seeing your money wasted on far lesser things than you would like may be a turning point. This is when progress can be made.   

If you think your life can’t change, then you are encouraged to read Johnnetta McSwain’s story in her book, Rising Above the Scars.  She had a traumatic childhood.  She dropped out of high school in eleventh grade and lived on the streets.  After years of barely getting by, she woke up on her thirtieth birthday, looked in the mirror, and didn’t like what she saw.  She writes,

“That day I woke up and realized I had absolutely nothing to celebrate–no money, no full-time job, no home, no husband, and no clue, not even the will to do better.  At last I knew it was time to make some changes.”

Her first step was to obtain her GED.  From there, she had a burning desire to go to college.  She attributed her success to her positive outlook.  “I realized I didn’t have to be smart,” Johnnetta explains, “I just had to be determined, motivated, and focused.  This came with a high price tag for me.  I had to exchange my thinking.  I had to think like a smart person.” And she did.  What about you? 

Living pay cheque to pay cheque because of an addiction or resorting to other means to support an addiction needs to end.  The elephant in your home needs to be acknowledged and talked about…

I first heard about Johnnetta’s story in John C. Maxwell’s book, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth.  In his book, a specific chapter is written about the Law of the Mirror, which reflects on the value you must see in yourself before you can add value to yourself.  The whole principle about change rests on our shoulders.  We must have the desire to want to change.  No one can make us change against our will.   If addictions stop us from reaching our potential, then this is the very reason we should latch onto someone who will inspire us to seek help.

Johnnetta was motivated by a profound thought:  “I get a chance to be anyone I want to be.” And she discovered a way.  

Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, offers this solution, “When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him.”

Do you have encouragement to share with others?  Please feel free to provide your perspective in the comment section below.

The Power of Influence

My usual morning walk was somewhat unusual.  Someone else opted to occupy my sacred space.  Any attempt to negotiate who had the right-of-way was off the table.  The one-sided dialogue did nothing to change this critter’s mind.

 

As I clapped my hands to scare the skunk, I politely asked, “Are you going to get off my road?”

As he ran in my direction, I had my answer. 

I’m a quick learner. Nothing I said; nothing I did; nothing I could do would influence him.  He held all the power.  If I didn’t get out of his way, I soon would be sprayed with his influential power.

Undeniably, we all have influencers in our lives. Whether we are influenced by people, things, circumstances and most importantly, our thoughts, we can examine whether the influences are working in our favor or causing harm. Obviously, this is a broad topic which affects numerous areas in our lives but in the context of money matters, the influences can be shortlisted.  

Generally, our thinking causes the most problems in our lives.  Our minds are the Number #1 hazard if we allow them to wander until we can rein them in.  This is especially true with money. Steve Siebold wrote the book, How Rich People Think, to offer insight how the average person versus the elite thinks about money.  As he shares in the introduction, “the differences are as extreme as they are numerous.”  In 100 different ways, he proves this theory. We need to learn to be extremely conscious of our thinking habits and refine them to model “rich thoughts.”

Pay attention to the conversations that roll around in our minds.

“I don’t make enough money.”

“I need to buy that new car.”

“I wish I could afford to do that.”

“Fear of Missing Out” (a.k.a. FOMO) was discussed in the previous blog post, Create the Ultimate Vision. When we jump on opportunities that require borrowing money, we should assess whether we can afford these luxury purchases (or the additional payments). 

But there’s another hazardous area that is sly and goes innocently undetected. It’s our addictions.  We rationalize our behavior by seeing these “purchases” as necessities. Addictions come in different “shapes and forms”.  Addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, shoes, and even, books, steal our money away from things on our dream list.  We justify the need to support our habits or offer compromises in exchange. It’s common to hear, “Because I don’t smoke or drink, I can afford to splurge on this.”  This isn’t a finger-pointing exercise about who is doing what but rather a self-examination exercise to catch the things which influence you.

Occasionally, our circles of friends and family influence us to do things we would rather not or cannot afford.  We are pulled in a direction we shouldn’t go because financially we will pay dearly both in terms of robbing our piggy bank today as well as future goals and dreams.

Does this sound familiar?

“We’re all going camping this weekend.”

“We’re all going to the concert.”

“We’re all going to the football game.”

"No” is often the hardest word to say out loud.  Saying “No” causes disappointment for both others and ourselves.   Although it’s fun to go places, here’s an example of choices:  How often can we afford to go? Where can we have fun with our family and friends which may not be costly?

Another hazardous area of influence is the business world. A marketer’s purpose is to influence us to buy something we didn’t even realize we needed or wanted. Once we’re hooked all we can think about is that “thing” that will make our life so wonderful.  The must-have, got-to-have, need-to-have influences create the burning desire to spend money freely on things we may regret.   If you don’t believe you’re being influenced, you will change your perspective when you read the book, The Power of Habits.  Marketing is “big business” to entice customers to spend their money. In some cases, we buy into something we can’t live without...BUT sometimes we buy into things that have negative consequences. One example is “gambling”.  Awareness to whether you are being influenced positively or negatively is crucial.   

We also can be influenced by our present circumstances.   Our present job (or lack of one) or the amount of debt we presently are carrying, are conditions which overwhelm us.  Life crises, such as a divorce, sudden illness, or disability, uninvited and unwelcomed, require their own unique handling.  These influence both our physical and financial well-being. Seeking professional help in these areas is advisable.  Some journeys cannot be treaded alone.   

So to be blunt, you have to determine what “stinks” in your life.  If you have to run in the opposite direction, do so.  Run.  Run fast before you are caught in the cross-fire between doing the right thing and the regretful thing.  Run to professionals if you need help.  There are hundreds of influences in your financial life that weren’t discussed here but I am certain you know the ones relevant to you.  If you aren’t entirely sure, track where you spend your money. The “culprit” will show up. When you give power of influence to your true goals, dreams and aspirations you will be rewarded with a rich outcome.  

Please feel free to share any negative influences you overcame which may positively help others.